Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.