[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale