“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.