I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.