If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.