The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.