a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
don’t we all