Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.