My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.