I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff