*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Did…did a minotaur write this
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?