going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders