doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME