If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.