*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Matt Goss
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily