me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho