Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrjohndarby's best tweets

@mrjohndarby : me: can I give your dog a pet? him: sure me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his* dog: thanks

@mrjohndarby: I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

@mrjohndarby: therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I'm afraid I am

@mrjohndarby: me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

@mrjohndarby: me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@mrjohndarby: [making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

@mrjohndarby: [before surgery]

doctor: we're going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

@mrjohndarby: waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I'll have the steak too

@mrjohndarby: [at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

@mrjohndarby: me: I've got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too