@mrjohndarby

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

@mrjohndarby

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

@mrjohndarby

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

@mrjohndarby

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

@mrjohndarby

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

@mrjohndarby

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday