ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here
ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?
ME: Holy sheet
me: I need three trampolines
him: what for?
me: no three
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic
assistant: very attractive, sir
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna
me: love it
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
him: I love indiana jones movies
me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg
steven spielberg’s wife: hello