her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
angel: helped others
angel: did all u could
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
me: excuse me, do u work here?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel