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Page of mrjohndarby's best tweets

@mrjohndarby : me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I've only got one dad

@mrjohndarby: Me: if it's a boy let's call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

@mrjohndarby: JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can't speak that slowly

@mrjohndarby: check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I'll probably need a pilot

@mrjohndarby: waiter: wine?

date: I don't drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn't drink pal

@mrjohndarby: me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you're operating?

car mechanic: no

@mrjohndarby: my gf: don't tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I've never seen her before in my life

@mrjohndarby: [expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

@mrjohndarby: me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks