ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?


ME: Holy sheet


interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?


horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course


spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir


her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you

me: yes, it’s for the best


her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it


[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home


him: I love indiana jones movies

me: I’ll introduce you to my friend. she LOVES steven spielberg

him: awesome

him: hi

steven spielberg’s wife: hello