JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down