me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret