Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mrjohndarby

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

@mrjohndarby

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

@mrjohndarby

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

@mrjohndarby

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

@mrjohndarby

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

@mrjohndarby

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

@mrjohndarby

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

@mrjohndarby

ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?

ANGEL:

ME: Holy sheet