[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish
her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
me: did I pass?
driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here
ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?
ME: Holy sheet
me: I need three trampolines
him: what for?
me: no three