invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart