waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn