inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no