her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
s
oc
i
a
l
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it