[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad