@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@mrjohntofu

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

@mrjohntofu

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@mrjohntofu

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.