Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.