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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Risking my life for fun.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW