This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I hate when that happens.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Brands during Pride
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…