If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
bury ourselves
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,