Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
This is my cat’s medicine.
From my Mom
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Breaking news:
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me