If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman