I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You Might Also Like
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
The “baby” on the left….
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.