A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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😏😏😏😏😏
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
i meant to share this earlier