I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart