Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
