[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me