Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
PLOT TWIST:
X-tra spooky blend
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’