Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You Might Also Like
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Lmbo
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!