why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Salad is the decaf of food.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I put the mess in domestic.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Go hard or stay average
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
nice challenge
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second