@murrman5: [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
@murrman5: [repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
@murrman5: girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
@murrman5: im no good at video games
"no one is at first just give it a shot"
*presses start and mario just sits down*
@murrman5: gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
@murrman5: "hey, aren't you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?"
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
"I don't know"
@murrman5: [wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
@murrman5: coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
@murrman5: [cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try