@murrman5

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@murrman5

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@murrman5

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

@murrman5

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@murrman5

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@murrman5

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

@murrman5

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??