wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??