@murrman5

me: I assumed garlic worked on witches too
friend in large boiling cauldron with me: you just made us delicious

@murrman5

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

@murrman5

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

@murrman5

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

@murrman5

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

@murrman5

you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@murrman5

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@murrman5

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

@murrman5

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training