Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : [home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@murrman5: [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@murrman5: [repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

@murrman5: girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

@murrman5: im no good at video games
"no one is at first just give it a shot"
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@murrman5: gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

@murrman5: "hey, aren't you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?"
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
"I don't know"

@murrman5: [wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

@murrman5: coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@murrman5: [cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try