me: I assumed garlic worked on witches too
friend in large boiling cauldron with me: you just made us delicious
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training