@murrman5

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

@murrman5

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

@murrman5

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

@murrman5

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

@murrman5

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

@murrman5

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

@murrman5

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

@murrman5

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

@murrman5

me: I assumed garlic worked on witches too
friend in large boiling cauldron with me: you just made us delicious

@murrman5

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”