Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

@murrman5: date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

@murrman5: we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@murrman5: [lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

@murrman5: trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

@murrman5: [home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@murrman5: [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

@murrman5: [repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

@murrman5: girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

@murrman5: im no good at video games
"no one is at first just give it a shot"
*presses start and mario just sits down*