girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*