we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened