how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome