I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Never be a pizza!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?