Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The glory of fall.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.