them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
We will use anything but the metric system
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it