All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
rapatouille
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up