them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*