Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated