When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
2022: I can fix it
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
You better watch out
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious